LIFE PROVIDES

There's a language deep in my heart. I guess I've been listening so much that it’s starting to speak louder to me. Maybe I’ve earned some merit.

But this voice, sometimes it's a bit... provocative.

You see, it tells me what to do. And, I feel strong surges of energy, truth and knowingness when I listen and follow through. You get me, don’t you? You know exactly what I’m talking about, I know you do!

This voice tells me to stop pushing, to not get ahead of myself, to let go and trust, and as my lover says (and my inner soul's voice whole-heartedly agrees), “life provides”.

On another note... Feeling guilty? Feeling frustrated? Feeling just about anything? Stop dead in your tracks. Focus on yourself immediately! S l o w  w a y  d o w n .

Then there’s this, it's a good one, so pay attention.

Don’t be afraid to disappoint ANYONE, and certainly don’t try to protect any of those ANYONES from their feelings. They can handle their own shit. Just be you.

Love,

Your Inner Voice

P.S. and yes, there's a drop of blood on my finger, from the thorn...

PERFECTION

There is no purity,

for even in nature's 

whitest of petals,

are the browning edges 

of perfection.

THERE WAS BLOOD

I just found the thorn, that for years,

imbedded my heart.

So, I cut myself open,

I dug around with my finger,

until I felt its pointy tip.

So long in there,

it almost became a part of me.

Flesh grew around it, 

and within it,

like weeds poking through a medieval wall,

or coral anemones attached to a sunken boat.

I squeezed around it, forcefully

pressing the flesh away,

until I popped that thorn right outta there!

There was blood.

It dripped, letting out some toxic force of the past,

making a new space to be filled simply,

with love.

THE WEAVING OF THE OCEAN

I'm met with the love 

of a wild and powerful lion,

fuscia alstromerias and silk...

I'm welcomed with a deep bow 

of reverent recognition, 

it ravages my heart

into a puddle of surrender.

The guru is at it again!

Nothing to do but openly feel as the river sweeps me along.

I'm beyond trust.

This flow, it's taking me 

to the outpourings of all that is,

to the weaving of the ocean 

and delight.

SHE'LL GO ALL OUT

Here. A bouquet for you.

Do you feel her sweetness entering your bloodstream?

She is life, in vivid color, showing you what it's all about.

She wants to be seen, inhaled, engaged... deeply..., fully.

If you really want to score points with her, praise her gifts and appreciate her dark, spiny, thick thorns.

Then she'll go all out to mesmerize you with her fragrant beauty.

But don't keep her waiting, she'll be gone before you know it, so stop to appreciate her ~ now.

LET IT IN

You know what “it” is.

Let the terror and 

ecstasy 

of life’s vastness 

take you over.

I promise,

the ride,

it will take you

where you wanted to be

anyway.

Your mind

has no idea

how to do this.

So sink in,

allow,

drop,

open your fist’s grasp, and

surrender to “it”.

“It” just wants your loving embrace.

However “it” arises or hides, say...

I welcome you 
to show up this way.
If that’s what you want.
If that’s what you need.
I love you.

SHATTER ME OPEN

As I breathe,

my body 

fills with life.

Hands tingle,

spontaneous jolts of laughter,

a realization of previous disconnect, 

gratitude for the moment's fullness,

a distinct grief and 

sudden sob of release...

More waves, 

bigger waves of life,

they shatter me open 

to the truest Beloved.

A brilliant star light,

bursting out from within,

shooting in all directions

at once.

Even my skeleton breathed, 

my marrow filled with delight,

what a feast.

I'M GRATEFUL

I'm grateful. I got to swim in the river goddess as she flows around the tumbled stones and ancient boulders. She smoothes all their edges with her ferocity and persistence. I immersed my body and let her sweep away my edges, too. Thank you sacred waters, thank you.

I'm grateful. I got to the climb on the rugged crest trail, free of freshly made footprints, just my own. The clear blue altitude opened my mind and the alpine flowers lifted my spirits. Thank you sacred mountains, thank you.

I'm grateful. I got to gather heaps of deliciously aromatic wild sage and flat-leaf cedar growing in the resonance of majestic Shasta. The plants thanked me for making use of their medicine. It will be shared and released as smudge and smoke. Thank you plant spirits, thank you.

I'm grateful. I got to sit in a sacred ceremony with new family. Songs and healing traveled around the lodge and invoked embodiment of the heart's presence and full engagement. Thank you Karuk medicine man, thank you.

I'm grateful. Thank you.

IN MY ALONENESS

It started out with 

excitement and a

breath of freshness.

But sinking in,

I recognized that

without those around me,

there's no one 

to hug and playfully banter with.

But, I can hug me.

I can't swim in intimacy 

with my Beloved, 

nor do I have his eyes to soul gaze into.

But, I have my own.

That sacred embrace, that

familiar reflection,

is my solitude.

In that mirror,

I see a depth of presence 

behind my aloneness. 

I am with myself,

I'm good company.

I feel a distinct sadness

in my heart. 

It has no reason, yet

it's part of my innate rhythm.

I give a big sigh a relief,

that because of my aloneness,

I can welcome some old friends 

I haven't seen in a while!

Sadness, grief, and that sense of disconnect like something is missing...

come in, let me feel you.

Once fully felt,

I'm home again. 

In my aloneness.

The breeze is caressing my cheek,

the songbirds are reveling in my ears,

and the mountain stands

as it always does, 

tall, and rooted deep, 

joined only by the 

occasional passing clouds.

A LETTER TO MY LITTLE ONE

I want to give my little one all the love she needs to feel whole, relaxed, safe, nurtured, confident, shameless, balanced, and even daring. She didn’t get what she needed, not from her parents, teachers, Rabbi, camp counselors, babysitters, big sis, Tia or Abuelita. There was no adult who recognized her particular genius and advocated for her in a way that would nurture her blossoming. There was only the day-to-day doldrums of learning of how to operate, in an often miserable world. She had to develop a management system in order to get her most basic needs met and some version of approval and love, rather than none.

I am that little one, grown up. I’m a 40 something woman, walking around with an outdated operating system. I know who I am, and I’ve examined my past. I’m not new on the path, it started early for me. But that little one inside never ceases to want and need more of love’s embrace from the parents she didn’t have.

My parents, like all parents to some degree or another, couldn’t give my little one what she so desperately needed. She was (we are) a very emotionally sensitive person! She is a little girl with unique and unusual interests, being raised by conservative Jewish parents who were brought up in other countries, who valued the mind and following the rules well so I could be “successful” in life, in their eyes. Education was everything, and following the heart didn’t have a place at the table.

So, I am learning to be my own parents now. And I’m still learning how to follow my heart. It’s never too late to provide the little one with what they need. The more I love and hold her, the less my life is based on unconscious needs. I want to give her everything, so “our” life can be about love, freedom, adventurous creativity, tender wholeness and brave gumption.

I can give my little one whatever she needs, and then together, hand in hand, mutual smiles and hearts connected, she and I can go on a wild ride with abandon. So here’s what I have to say to her, my little one.

Hey, yeah… you! Hi. I’m your future self sweetie (I’m giving her a long, strong and solid hug). You’re a beautiful and brilliant kid. But I can see that you’re scared. You’re constantly assessing your environment, trying to figure out what the rules are, and how to act so you will be accepted. I understand. I get it.

What if I told you that things could be different, that there’s something within you that has all the answers, and that you could relax in that knowingness, and finally feel free to be yourself without fear?

You’re a deeply feeling little one. You’re sensitive, and no one recognizes who you really are. No one is helping you understand your feelings, and no one gisve you the safe haven to feel them safely. 

I am your safe haven.

(I’m hugging her again and my little one’s eyes fill with hopeful tears and salty drops of release.)

I know the constant banter you fight with in your head. I know what you have to do to make it in your world. I know the anxiety you feel, the fear you have about your feelings, and the intensity they bring. I know the shame you feel about having these overwhelming feelings, and how hard you work to hide it all. I know. I feel you. I am you.

I know it seems like you’re the only one who has these deep feelings, but you’re not alone. I’m here with you. And you don’t have to hide with me, sweet dear one. (I’m hugging her and rocking her while I speak.) I love you. I see you and your feelings, and I’m going to hold you and rock you and love you, until your shame and fear melt away, until you are so convinced in your body and soul that you can be yourself, that you can allow what is within you to flow freely. You are safe with me.

You need to know something. There is nothing wrong with you.

(Now I’m looking her straight in the eyes with a ferocity and undeniable knowingness.)

All those vulnerable feelings you have, they’re normal. There is nothing to fix, nothing to mend. Nothing to change. You can be you. Your truest you. Your deepest you. You can trust the unfolding of your feelings. They will only lead you to exactly where you need to be. Take my hand, we’ll walk together, I’ll show you how it works.

You are a beautiful, deep, old soul, and your emotional world is valid, and is fuel for a fantastic life. These very feelings you are afraid of have potent creativity imbedded in their chaos, and can bring you more joy and motivation for life than anything else. They have the potential to take you to a magical place, and you are going to learn to ride their mysterious waves. Don’t worry, I’ll be there with you, we will surf them together.

And off we go, my little one and me, on the loving adventure that is my life.