THIS FLAVOR OF MILD DISCONTENT

Day 152 of Gratitude ~

I'm grateful for contraction after expansion, chaos after predictability, being lost after being found, disconnect after oneness, bland after tasty, water after wine, and even for vanilla after chocolate.

I cannot always be in expansion or feel connected to the infinite creative cosmic life force. Sometimes I need a break. Sometimes I need to tune out, distract, and forget everything I have learned... I need to die, so the magic dust can sift through the spaces between my barriers and be breathed more deeply into my cells. I want to breathe in today, I want to breathe in this very second.

I want that wisdom water to seep in, so all my different parts can catch up... so I'm grateful for this flavor of mild discontent. I am still here, living life, loving myself, present, just with vanilla. But I do hope for chocolate soon...

WINTER GLOOM

I'm grateful that for the first time ever, I yearn for and miss winter. I have always lived for spring and summer. My whole life has been a race, chasing the heat and longer hours of sunshine. 

When I passed through the pain portal, a tide changed. Now, a part of me seeks the shelter and cozy abode of the starlit nest, inside, warm, cozy, and alone. 

I even yearn for my early October birthday, always a warning sign that autumn had arrived and Minnesota's winter gloom would soon follow.

If you knew me well, you may have a hard time believing that I yearn for the flavor of winter. You'd think I was telling you a riddle, and you'd be waiting to hear what it's all about.

You see, growing up, my anxiety would mount at the end of summer, when I felt the drastic shift in daylight hours. School would start, and I'd get increasingly nervous about the unavoidable ensuing reality of waking before the sun in the frigid cold and walking to the bus stop in the snow, alone.

When daylight hours shrank to the most minimal excuse of a day, depression would set in and the circles around my eyes would darken as my skin turned white to match the snow. I hated the drudgery, the cold and especially the darkness.

I am grateful that now I am no longer afraid of the dark.

I can't say that I want to return to the deep winters of the midwest, but even here in California, the clouds, fog, and cold wind have served me in a similar way, in my bones. But I yearn for the draw inward, as much as I love how the sun coaxes me outside in the summer.

I will not chase the dark. I will not chase the light. I surrender to the seamless and ever changing shift in season, and weather; and attempt, with all my heart and soul, to live with what is in the moment.

YOU ARE LIVING THE QUESTION

You are asking and seeking, listening to what is being revealed, or not.

You may miss the recognition of this, what you are doing already… you are living the question.

You won’t figure out the answer and finally be at peace. You won’t resolve the unsettled feeling of not-knowing, it’s unresolvable. The great mystery serves you with infinite creation, it's worthy of celebration!

You can live the question NOW and be at peace. Answers come and go, the question is here now.

ahhhh

Rest in knowing you are already living your life. You are already here doing everything. Just because you feel dissatisfied with your circumstances doesn’t mean you aren’t living well or living right or are somehow off or wrong.

You are fine, just as you are, now. You can breathe a sigh of relief, you can rest.

ROAM YOUR WILD SOUL, MY LOVELY GYPSY

Beyond this stand of trees, a rebel lurks in the woods, wanting to come home.

She has watched from a distance at each infrequent visit, waiting with impatient eagerness, wanting an invitation she could answer with a full yes.

She’s coming close now. I play my flute, breathing my heart song through the notes. I hope she hears “I see you, I feel you” through the melody.

Listen, be wild if you are, there are no reins here. No binding commitments or rules. No obligation to bow in deference, unless you feel the unwavering spirit of devotion within your heart.

You can love here, you can be love, did you know? There are no strings to play this magical violin, my lovely gypsy.

Like this grove, you can grow buds and let your leaves run amok, letting them dance wildly in the wind, rustling and spinning in the wind. You can land in great piles and receive the bunny hiding in your weightless mound. Grow fragrant blooms or make shade for someone. Or take a rest and let all your leaves die, fall and wither to dust.

You are free, roam your wild soul and inner landscapes, I will welcome you home after each journey.

THE SACRED CASTLE

Have you entered the sacred castle? 

Within this sacred architecture, 
and beyond the shimmering cascade of
crystal chandeliers and burgundy velvet,

treasures are found.

Within the dark hallways
without exits or doorways,

in the dusty attics 
piled high with the unwanted, 

and deep down 
in the musty underground cellars.

The castle is calling for love, 
and inspires freedom. 

There are gifts for all who enter.

EMBRACING THE WILDERNESS

I'm embracing the wilderness of solitude 
that emerges without seeking wholeness 
from another. 

There's a solitude 
that has been there 
in disguise 
for a long time. 

One that I 
have always tried 
to meet with an "other", 
but that other ...is me. 

I have bent and twisted myself 
to make the "others" work, 
masks that kept me from myself.

When I meet me with me; I stand tall,
I feel whole, and my heart is free.

LIVING LOVE

The truth is this:
my Beloved has a
heart of diamonds,
it beats with a
pulse of devotion.

My Beloved is me,
a sacred guru,
revealing love,
breathing love,
living love.

Drop into allowing...

An intimate friend of mine is struggling. He feels lost and without life purpose. He said, “I see everyone participating in life, living their dreams, or trying to make them happen... I feel like I’m struggling to hold on and have no dreams to speak of.”

My dear friend’s sinking feeling that “they are so alive, and I am not”, and the thought that, “I’m on the outside” – they are all stories, and have very little to do with is truly present in the moment. I'll say more about stories in a sec...

The truth that I know about my friend, is that he dreams about being fully alive, he yearns for a purpose, and he desires love and connection. All his yearning is potently ALIVE, and he is far from being dead inside. I can also tell you, someone looking at his life from the outside might be envious of his life, and perceive it as very full and rich... It's all perspective, and it's all in the mind.

The mind relentlessly seeks to resolve your inner turmoil.

It’s when we let go of the grasp of trying to understand, and simply drop into allowing ourselves to feel what is actually happening, that we allow life to live through us.

You may wish to feel full and vibrant, but you feel differently, and you try to change what is happening and push away the disturbing feelings, you try to fix or transform or meditate them away. But then you get mad, frustrated, and amplify your anxiety and deepen your depression anyways, because you STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT, even though you TRY SO HARD to fix your feelings. The places within you that seek a loving embrace haven't been met yet, and they won't disappear until they receive your warm and loving attention.

Hey! Listen to this. There is nothing wrong with you, so let go of trying to fix anything. Feel that which is there. When you move into being with the active experience that is happening, even if that is the yearning for something different, you are feeling and experiencing THAT YEARNING rather than planning how to escape feeling that way. That is being with what is.

Freedom can only reveal itself from inside the experience.

There is a scary void beyond your mind’s thinking, can you feel (or remotely sense) this void place? It might feel like the empty thing you hate and expend tremendous energy to avoid. The void is terrifying! There’s nothing to hold onto, it’s groundless. But often, before you can find new ground, you need to allow groundlessness, a truly open and creative space where life can bring in what’s next, and what is alive.

The stories won't stop. But you can become aware of them. Anything that is a pull or a push from experiencing the moment is a story. Grasping to create an answer in something, is a story. There is no resolution in life, only the open creative aliveness that is in constant motion. Live the questions, rather than seeking the answers.

What are your tethers that keep you from experiencing your feelings as they arise? If you are ready, let the tethers go and hold yourself in your own embrace in the groundless place, and allow that which arises organically within you to find it’s place back home in your heart.

A FIELD OF SUNSHINE

An exit appeared, and

there was no way 

to avoid 

crossing the threshold.

I was suddenly 

on the other side

of a vast expanse.

I can see

the old and sticky 

web of tricks 

from where I came.

I choose to look ahead and

take the trail, 

full of thick roots and 

interesting stones, 

into the wilderness.

Along the path,

I discover 

fragrant healing flowers

on the wayside.

I gather pinecones,

and set up a 

lovely abode in the trees

with a field of sunshine 

for a living room.

I traipse around the forest,

playing with animals, insects and plant spirits.

I sing and dance around the fire

with the stars and moonlight.

I am free.

I am happy.

The trail 

continues.

I wonder 

where it will take me, 

tomorrow.

MISERIOUS

This morning I was writing a piece about the "great mystery and the great misery" and found myself writing mysterious and "miserious". I made that word up.... So I submitted it to Urban Dictionary for review, and OILA, they accepted it! Check it out. I'm proud.

adjective

1. wretchedly painful to feel, experience, or embody.
    "her heart broke in the most miserious way"

2. (of a person) deliberately causing distress or suffering.
    "the evil king was miserious to his people"

My invitation to life is to enter me fully, this requires that I allow even the miserious to flow through me.

View definition on UrbanDictionary.com

THE TEMPLE OF THE EXQUISITE

I love dancing with my Beloved
to a medicine song
with a heart beat rhythm
that explodes with stardust
in the temple of the exquisite,

Love is my guru, dance with me. 

CHAOS REIGNS

Love,

the infinite well of

creativity,

a nest of holding

for all that is.

Drop everything!

Drop what you hold

with fear,

  and even with

delight; so

every pore

can be filled with

spirited adventure and

wildness.

Chaos reigns!

I breathe it into

my veins. 

THE CRESCENT MOON

How I love my Beloved,

the crescent moon, 

my guru.

A sliver of light 

illuminating my heart

from somewhere beyond 

the sky.

Let me care for your 

tender feet 

while you bathe in

the music of my soul. 

THE MOMENT’S WAFT

To open, to the

intimate penetration

of love, is

a risk

to feel

so full, to

be filled

with completeness

in a moment’s waft

of surrender.

That sweet yielding,

is the embrace of

all that arises.

My lover, she is

pure ecstasy and

wrath.

She is me.

THE NIGHT SKY

I forgot to die today,

and for many days before.

Lost, I found myself

grasping for time gone by

with white knuckles.

Suddenly and 

maybe gracefully…

I remembered 

to let go and die again.

Life returned to my blood.

I could have thrown punches

at myself 

for abandoning my own demise,

yet I love the night sky

as much as the morning sunshine.

P.S. Dear Life, I most humbly beg you, please remind me that every breath is a death. With love, your Beloved

THE WEAVE

Sew me together with you, beloved. 

Make the stitches tight and seamless.

Will the weave of this sacred fabric forever fasten us?

Because you, my love, are the very binding of my heart and soul.

Don’t be confused

dear reader

I speak 

not of another

but of the precious one

who is already with you.

SPOONING

My lover is drifting to sleep

after ecstatic union

as if his heart, body and mind

are so blown open

they must rest 

to assimilate the love.

I spoon him, while I daydream.

JOURNEYS WORTH TAKING

A subtle tightness, 

a vague tension, 

an area not being breathed...

all little signposts. 

The little one 

I tend to avoid, 

seeks to be held and loved.

Do you hear her small, scared voice calling out to you, too?

[Inhale]

My arms squeeze her tight. 

[Exhale]

Warm reassuring whispers...

A small but potent 

act of self-love, it

permeates my being, 

invigorating my aliveness.

Care to join me?

Grab your passport!

Pathways of love are 

journeys worth taking.

SPRING GRASS

As I breathe,

stories fall away and movement becomes pure expression.

Ahhh!!!!

Life breathes me, 

returning me to my birthright

where all that is false 

falls away like melting snow

leaving me resting on a 

fresh patch of spring grass.

THE NOT-KNOWING

Uncertainty is one of my most esteemed guests... for in the not-knowing lies a vast pool of potential.

FLY SOULFULLY FREE

Tall reeds bend, 

wavering in the wind

bowing in all directions.

Uncertain.

Not like water flowing downstream

with gravity as a guide.

The wind changes.

Abrupt.

Quick.

Indecisive.

Dry leaves shake and

fall to the ground, 

after being swept into many whirls and 

being taken far from their branches.

They want to fly soulfully free, 

yet they must embrace doubt 

along their uncertain journey.

The Cauldron

I'm grateful goddammit!

I'm grateful for late nights rekindling the fires of my wild, inner landscape.

Let me burn, baby!

I want all of me stirred into the cauldron.

Let all of me come to be ashes after I burn through and through. My ashes, powdered flakes silently drifting in the wind like snow. They eventually land, uneventfully, on the ground, only to be swept up in whirls with another gust.

I passionately die, so I may be reborn in this moment, yet again.

Fresh.
New.
Alive.

Through the lava of my awakening, I grieve all that I was and all that I have ever held.

Yet,
I remain,
here,
now,
present for all that is
in this very
moment.

A sprout enjoying the sun and the rain in mineral rich soil.