I'm grateful that for the first time ever, I yearn for and miss winter. I have always lived for spring and summer. My whole life has been a race, chasing the heat and longer hours of sunshine.
When I passed through the pain portal, a tide changed. Now, a part of me seeks the shelter and cozy abode of the starlit nest, inside, warm, cozy, and alone.
I even yearn for my early October birthday, always a warning sign that autumn had arrived and Minnesota's winter gloom would soon follow.
If you knew me well, you may have a hard time believing that I yearn for the flavor of winter. You'd think I was telling you a riddle, and you'd be waiting to hear what it's all about.
You see, growing up, my anxiety would mount at the end of summer, when I felt the drastic shift in daylight hours. School would start, and I'd get increasingly nervous about the unavoidable ensuing reality of waking before the sun in the frigid cold and walking to the bus stop in the snow, alone.
When daylight hours shrank to the most minimal excuse of a day, depression would set in and the circles around my eyes would darken as my skin turned white to match the snow. I hated the drudgery, the cold and especially the darkness.
I am grateful that now I am no longer afraid of the dark.
I can't say that I want to return to the deep winters of the midwest, but even here in California, the clouds, fog, and cold wind have served me in a similar way, in my bones. But I yearn for the draw inward, as much as I love how the sun coaxes me outside in the summer.
I will not chase the dark. I will not chase the light. I surrender to the seamless and ever changing shift in season, and weather; and attempt, with all my heart and soul, to live with what is in the moment.
When I passed through the pain portal, a tide changed. Now, a part of me seeks the shelter and cozy abode of the starlit nest, inside, warm, cozy, and alone.
I even yearn for my early October birthday, always a warning sign that autumn had arrived and Minnesota's winter gloom would soon follow.
If you knew me well, you may have a hard time believing that I yearn for the flavor of winter. You'd think I was telling you a riddle, and you'd be waiting to hear what it's all about.
You see, growing up, my anxiety would mount at the end of summer, when I felt the drastic shift in daylight hours. School would start, and I'd get increasingly nervous about the unavoidable ensuing reality of waking before the sun in the frigid cold and walking to the bus stop in the snow, alone.
When daylight hours shrank to the most minimal excuse of a day, depression would set in and the circles around my eyes would darken as my skin turned white to match the snow. I hated the drudgery, the cold and especially the darkness.
I am grateful that now I am no longer afraid of the dark.
I can't say that I want to return to the deep winters of the midwest, but even here in California, the clouds, fog, and cold wind have served me in a similar way, in my bones. But I yearn for the draw inward, as much as I love how the sun coaxes me outside in the summer.
I will not chase the dark. I will not chase the light. I surrender to the seamless and ever changing shift in season, and weather; and attempt, with all my heart and soul, to live with what is in the moment.
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