THIS FLAVOR OF MILD DISCONTENT

Day 152 of Gratitude ~

I'm grateful for contraction after expansion, chaos after predictability, being lost after being found, disconnect after oneness, bland after tasty, water after wine, and even for vanilla after chocolate.

I cannot always be in expansion or feel connected to the infinite creative cosmic life force. Sometimes I need a break. Sometimes I need to tune out, distract, and forget everything I have learned... I need to die, so the magic dust can sift through the spaces between my barriers and be breathed more deeply into my cells. I want to breathe in today, I want to breathe in this very second.

I want that wisdom water to seep in, so all my different parts can catch up... so I'm grateful for this flavor of mild discontent. I am still here, living life, loving myself, present, just with vanilla. But I do hope for chocolate soon...

WINTER GLOOM

I'm grateful that for the first time ever, I yearn for and miss winter. I have always lived for spring and summer. My whole life has been a race, chasing the heat and longer hours of sunshine. 

When I passed through the pain portal, a tide changed. Now, a part of me seeks the shelter and cozy abode of the starlit nest, inside, warm, cozy, and alone. 

I even yearn for my early October birthday, always a warning sign that autumn had arrived and Minnesota's winter gloom would soon follow.

If you knew me well, you may have a hard time believing that I yearn for the flavor of winter. You'd think I was telling you a riddle, and you'd be waiting to hear what it's all about.

You see, growing up, my anxiety would mount at the end of summer, when I felt the drastic shift in daylight hours. School would start, and I'd get increasingly nervous about the unavoidable ensuing reality of waking before the sun in the frigid cold and walking to the bus stop in the snow, alone.

When daylight hours shrank to the most minimal excuse of a day, depression would set in and the circles around my eyes would darken as my skin turned white to match the snow. I hated the drudgery, the cold and especially the darkness.

I am grateful that now I am no longer afraid of the dark.

I can't say that I want to return to the deep winters of the midwest, but even here in California, the clouds, fog, and cold wind have served me in a similar way, in my bones. But I yearn for the draw inward, as much as I love how the sun coaxes me outside in the summer.

I will not chase the dark. I will not chase the light. I surrender to the seamless and ever changing shift in season, and weather; and attempt, with all my heart and soul, to live with what is in the moment.

YOU ARE LIVING THE QUESTION

You are asking and seeking, listening to what is being revealed, or not.

You may miss the recognition of this, what you are doing already… you are living the question.

You won’t figure out the answer and finally be at peace. You won’t resolve the unsettled feeling of not-knowing, it’s unresolvable. The great mystery serves you with infinite creation, it's worthy of celebration!

You can live the question NOW and be at peace. Answers come and go, the question is here now.

ahhhh

Rest in knowing you are already living your life. You are already here doing everything. Just because you feel dissatisfied with your circumstances doesn’t mean you aren’t living well or living right or are somehow off or wrong.

You are fine, just as you are, now. You can breathe a sigh of relief, you can rest.

ROAM YOUR WILD SOUL, MY LOVELY GYPSY

Beyond this stand of trees, a rebel lurks in the woods, wanting to come home.

She has watched from a distance at each infrequent visit, waiting with impatient eagerness, wanting an invitation she could answer with a full yes.

She’s coming close now. I play my flute, breathing my heart song through the notes. I hope she hears “I see you, I feel you” through the melody.

Listen, be wild if you are, there are no reins here. No binding commitments or rules. No obligation to bow in deference, unless you feel the unwavering spirit of devotion within your heart.

You can love here, you can be love, did you know? There are no strings to play this magical violin, my lovely gypsy.

Like this grove, you can grow buds and let your leaves run amok, letting them dance wildly in the wind, rustling and spinning in the wind. You can land in great piles and receive the bunny hiding in your weightless mound. Grow fragrant blooms or make shade for someone. Or take a rest and let all your leaves die, fall and wither to dust.

You are free, roam your wild soul and inner landscapes, I will welcome you home after each journey.

THE SACRED CASTLE

Have you entered the sacred castle? 

Within this sacred architecture, 
and beyond the shimmering cascade of
crystal chandeliers and burgundy velvet,

treasures are found.

Within the dark hallways
without exits or doorways,

in the dusty attics 
piled high with the unwanted, 

and deep down 
in the musty underground cellars.

The castle is calling for love, 
and inspires freedom. 

There are gifts for all who enter.

EMBRACING THE WILDERNESS

I'm embracing the wilderness of solitude 
that emerges without seeking wholeness 
from another. 

There's a solitude 
that has been there 
in disguise 
for a long time. 

One that I 
have always tried 
to meet with an "other", 
but that other ...is me. 

I have bent and twisted myself 
to make the "others" work, 
masks that kept me from myself.

When I meet me with me; I stand tall,
I feel whole, and my heart is free.

LIVING LOVE

The truth is this:
my Beloved has a
heart of diamonds,
it beats with a
pulse of devotion.

My Beloved is me,
a sacred guru,
revealing love,
breathing love,
living love.